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I wasn’t chasing a high—I was running from a truth I couldn’t face. This is what happens when avoidance becomes your only coping strategy.
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Sometimes you don’t realize you’re running until you’re too tired to keep going.Addiction didn’t ruin my life. It protected me—from a truth I wasn’t ready to face.
It wasn’t about partying. It wasn’t rebellion. It was armor.
And it worked—until it didn’t.
Every coping mechanism becomes a prison if you never walk out.
This is for anyone who’s tired of running and terrified of stopping.
Numbing Feels Safer Than Facing
I didn’t want a high—I wanted distance.
I wasn’t chasing thrills. I was trying to disappear.
Alcohol. Drugs. Food. Porn.
Each one was a quick exit from pain I didn’t have the language for.
And even now—Netflix, scrolling—I know they’re waiting. Still dressed up like “self-care,” still ready to numb. I have to keep watch.
Here’s the truth:
Avoidance doesn’t fix anything. It just pushes it underground.
And what we bury has a way of growing teeth.
🛠️ Try this: Set a timer for five minutes. Sit with the discomfort. Don’t solve it. Just feel it.
❌ Avoid this: Dismissing your struggle because it “could be worse.” Pain is pain.
📘 Resources worth reading:
- The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk: Trauma 101. Your body remembers what your brain tries to forget.
- Homecoming – John Bradshaw: Want to understand the child inside you? Start here.
Healing Requires Honesty (and Humility)
Healing didn’t start when I got strong—it started when I got honest.“I’m fine” almost killed me.
I wore the mask like a pro. I smiled through breakdowns and posted memes while spiraling.
Admitting I wasn’t okay felt like betrayal.
But the real betrayal was pretending I was.
Here’s the uncomfortable bit:
Healing starts when the lies stop.
🛠️ Try this: List 3 lies you tell yourself regularly. Then write the truth beneath each one.
❌ Avoid this: Thinking you need to “hit rock bottom” before you’re allowed to heal. You can stop digging right now.
📘 Resources to rewire your story:
- Quit Like a Woman – Holly Whitaker: Sobriety without shame. Especially powerful for unlearning toxic norms.
- This Naked Mind – Annie Grace: Clean your relationship with alcohol at the subconscious level.
- Recovery – Russell Brand: Chaos, comedy, and spiritual truths. Less manual, more manifesto.
Avoidance Delays Your Becoming
You don’t need to be trapped to stay stuck. Avoidance does that just fine.Every time I numbed pain, I postponed purpose.
I kept trying to “move forward” without facing backward.
But what you avoid owns you.
And becoming who you’re meant to be? That requires turning around and picking up the pieces.
Avoidance stole years from me.
I’m not mad about the time—I’m just done giving it more.
🛠️ Try this: Ask yourself: “What age was I when I started hiding?” Go visit that version of you. You’ve got some catching up to do.
❌ Avoid this: Confusing progress with speed. Healing is slow and ugly. That’s part of the deal.
📘 Resources for doing the inner work:
- Changes That Heal – Dr. Henry Cloud: Structured repair for emotional gaps you didn’t even know you had.
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – Lindsay Gibson: Blunt, clinical, dead-on. If your childhood left you guessing, this book will connect the dots.
Freedom Comes from Connection, Not Isolation
I didn’t need more willpower—I needed someone to stay.I thought healing was a solo mission. It’s not.
Shame had me convinced I had to figure it out alone. That I needed to be “better” before I could be seen.
That belief? Still part of the wound.
The thing that saved me wasn’t insight. It was people.
People who didn’t flinch. Who stayed. Who let me talk messy.
Because connection isn’t a bonus. It’s the medicine.
🛠️ Try this: Text someone: “Hey. Can I tell you something I’ve been holding onto?”
No therapy talk. Just honesty.
❌ Avoid this: Waiting for confidence to show up before vulnerability. Confidence follows connection. Not the other way around.
📘 Resources for breaking the silence:
- The Soul of Shame – Curt Thompson, MD: How shame shapes your story—and how love rewrites it.
- Daring Greatly – Brené Brown: Popular for a reason. Vulnerability isn’t weak. It’s how we win.
Final Thoughts: You Can Stop Running
Freedom didn’t begin when I ran harder. It began when I stopped.I used to think stopping would break me.
It didn’t.
It introduced me to myself.
If you’re still stuck in cycles you can’t explain, still using whatever you can to avoid sitting still—you’re not weak. You’re surviving.
But you don’t have to do that forever.
You don’t have to keep running. You don’t have to earn rest.
You just have to stop pretending pain means failure.
Start where you are. Cry if you need to. Tell the truth out loud.
Your future self?
They’re not waiting for perfect.
They’re waiting for honest.
Disclaimer
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Still stuck? You’re not broken. You’re becoming.
If this hit home, it’s probably because you’ve been carrying more than you should.
Follow @nilegomez on YouTube for grounded truth, healing talk, and straight-up permission to be messy while you figure it out.
